Addiction: "Power of Love"

I had an unexpected entrance into motherhood. Despite the context surrounding its new beginnings, there was this pure, full joy in being a part of new creation. I felt honored to have the ability to grow this baby inside of me, to nurture and take care of him. I spent my pregnant days living for those tiny, yet strong kicks, for the sonogram photos, for new ways I could love my baby.

It wasn’t perfect. I had my uncertainties, like the fact that I wasn’t married, my living arrangements were unstable, and I didn’t even know if we could provide for him. However, the power and profound honor in being a part of a miracle wasn’t lost on me. I grounded myself in what really mattered, and that was in loving my son, and loving him well.

This has been a theme throughout Johnny and I’s relationship. I’ve intentionally chosen love, oftentimes the hard kind where you know it’s the right thing to do, but you wish you didn’t have to do it. That’s taken the form of protection, like flying out to L.A. to bring my son back home, something he fought hard against. It’s taken the form of endurance, choosing to be present in the midst of a five-year battle of my son’s addiction to heroin and recovery thereafter. And it’s taken the form of resolve, a determination to see victory in my son’s life by being present despite the countless people who encouraged me to let go.

Facing the addiction battle as a family has been a deep-rooted system of complexities. There are all sorts of twists and turns and question marks along the way that make you second guess your mindsets and decisions. Did I cause this? Was this my fault? What’s actually important? Where in the world do you begin to process how addiction came into existence in your child’s life? Where do you find the tools to fight addiction with a blend of tenacity, kindness, and presence? If I’m being honest with myself, I never imagined this happening in my own life. I never imagined my son heading down the addiction road. Maybe I missed the signs along the way. After all, no mother ever wants to imagine her child enslaved to drugs. But deciding to face it head-on with Johnny and learning how to really hear my son and humbly face imperfection has only reiterated the power of relationship and the joy of walking through trials together.

The bond between a mother and son, between me and Johnny, even when hard-pressed, is unbreakable. There’s never been an option to simply throw in the towel or give up on him. Not when he told me he was addicted five years ago, not when he relapsed the first time, and not when he relapsed the second time.

The love I have for my son and my children is greater than the love I have for myself. Even in the midst of that love being tested and refined, I choose thankfulness for where we are today. I’m forever grateful that my son is alive today, pursuing healing and purpose in his own life.

Addictions expose a lot of awful things, but they can also be used to expose a more purified love that’s been through the fire and survived.

We don’t ever ask to walk through these kinds of hardships (we’d be crazy to!). But when we have to, and when we decide to persevere and love hard in the midst of them, I think we’ll see the beauty that comes from dust and the freedom that comes from unconditional love and simple presence.

Part Two coming next week…

-Regina<3